Resident Parody 4
by BahamutZERO
Summary: A parody of Resident Evil 4. Funny. Read it. You know you want to.
1. Chapter 1 dash 1

Resident Parody 4

By BahamutZERO

Disclaimer: Capcom owns Resident Evil, not me.

Chapter 1-1

WOOOOSSSHHHH!

Leon: 1998... (sigh)... I forgot about it. Did something important happen then-?

WOOOOOOOSSSSHHH!

(Leon is sitting in a car with two Spanish cops)

Leon: I was assigned to the president's security detail. That very day, Ashley Graham, the president's daughter was kidnapped. Why they sent only me is really confusing. I mean, why just one man?

Cop 1: Hey, tell us where you're from, so we can stalk and rape you. I mean, so we know where you live.

Cop 2: Yeah, you're a long way from home, cowboy.

Leon: Guess that's a local's way of breaking the ice. Anyway, my job is to-

Cop 1: Rescue president's daughter, we know.

Leon?

Cop 1: You said all that out loud.

Leon: I did? That was supposed to be an inner monologue.

Cop 2: Psychic powers, cowboy.

(they stop so one of the cops can take a piss)

Cop 1: (taking a piss) Ahhh... ohhhh... touch me down there cowboy... Whoa, it got cold all of a sudden. (returns the car) Sorry it took so long, I was masturba- I mean, I had a lot to drink before we left.

(the car comes to a stop)

Cop 1: This is the village. Maybe when you come back, we can go sing at a boy scout bonfire-

Cop 2: Save it. Anyway, we'll watch the car. Don't want to get any parking tickets.

Leon: Right. Parking tickets.

Cop 1: Shit, we got one just now! (a parking ticket materializes on the windshield) I knew we shouldn't have parked here!

(radio scene)

Leon: Who's there?

Hunnigan: Hi Leon. I'm Ingrid Hunnigan. I'll be your support for this mission.

Leon: Damn, girl, you're hot. I'd like to do you in the ass.

Hunnigan: ...

Leon: ...

BEOOOP

(Leon enters the first cabin)

Leon: Uh, excuse me, sir? (no response) I was wondering if you might recognize the girl in this photograph? Damn, she's hot. I'd like to do her in the ass.

Man: What the fuck do you want? Get out of here, you bastard!

Leon: Sorry to have bothered you, fuck nut.

(the man picks up a balloon and swings it at Leon; he dodges out of the way)

Leon: Alright, freeze! I said freeze! Drop the balloon!

(Leon shoots the man and he falls dead. He hears several others outside)

Leon: Shit!

(radio scene)

Hunnigan: What happened, Leon?

Leon: I was attacked by a hostile local. I had no choice but naturalize- nurtualize...

Hunnigan: Neutralize?

Leon: Yeah, that's it.

Hunnigan: Head for the village. Take whatever measures necessary to save the subject.

Leon: Heh... "whatever measures necessary." I'm going to expand that to include ass pounding.

Hunnigan: Leon, I'm still here.

Leon: Huh?

Hunnigan: I can hear you, Leon.

Leon: ...

Hunnigan: ...

BEOOOP

(radio scene)

Hunnigan: How ya holding up, Leon?

Leon: Wrong question, Hunnigan. You should've asked "Can I get it up?" HAHAHA!

Hunnigan: Leon, that's not very funny.

Leon: Sorry.

Hunnigan: I'm sending you a Playing Manual.

Leon: Thanks, I'll have a look at it... wait, how can you send me a Playing Manual over the radio?

Hunnigan: ...

Leon: ...

BEOOOP

(Leon makes it to the village and has a shoot out with the locals. The bell starts to ring)

Local: Tenemos que irons. (We have to go)

Another Local: Es una hora de Bingo. (It's time for Bingo)

Leon: Where's everyone going...? Bingo?

Local: Be, siete! Be, siete! Ene, ventidos! Ene, ventidos!

Leon: ...

(Leon makes it to the cabin where he hears a pounding noise. He opens the cabinet and a man falls out)

Leon: Hold on, I'll untie you. (takes the tape off)

Luis: A little rough don't you think? (Leon picks him up and slams him on the floor, face down) OW!

Leon: (untying his ropes) I'm not one of them, don't worry. (unties the ropes and punches Luis in the face)

Luis: What's your problem, amigo?

Leon: Sorry.

Luis: Anyway, I have one very important question? You got a smoke?

Leon: ...

Luis: What's wrong?

Leon: Ummmm... are you aware of Capcom's anti-smoking message?

Luis: Huh?

Leon: Everyone in this game who smokes or even asks for a smoke, dies.

Luis: ...

Leon: ...

(someone approaches from outside)

Luis: Oh no, it's the big cheese of the village.

(a huge cheese wedge enters the room)

Leon: No problem. (Leon roundhouse kicks the cheese, but he bounces off and slams into a wall, unconscious)

Next up: Chapter 1-2


	2. Chapter 1 dash 2

Resident Parody 4

By BahamutZERO

Chapter 1-2

Saddler: Feeble humans. Let us give you our power. Soon, you will not resist this... intoxicating power... (puts a joint in Leon's mouth and lights it)

(Leon and Luis wake up tied together)

Leon: Hey, wake up, sleepy head.

Luis: Damn. Crawl out of one hole and into another... just like with women...

Leon: I'm looking for this girl. She's really hot, but I'M looking for her. Seen her? (shows photo)

Luis: Let me guess, she's the president's daughter.

Leon: That's too good for a guess. Care to explain?

Luis: Psychic powers.

Leon: ...

Luis: ...

Leon: Does every law enforcer have psychic powers?

Luis: Nah, just me.

Leon: What's your name?

Luis: Luis Sera. I used to be a cop in Madrid. Then, I got kicked out. Then, I came here. Then, I got captured. Then, I became a researcher. Then, I researched stuff. Then-

Leon: SHUT IT.

(man with a huge jar of peanut butter appears)

Luis: Do something cop!

Leon: NOW!

(Luis kicks the table nearby and two slices of bread fly out, catching the peanut butter)

Luis: I love sandwiches. (leaves)

(radio scene)

Hunnigan: Leon, are you alright?

Leon: I am now.

Hunnigan: Stop hitting on me. Do you know where the subject is?

Leon: She's in a church, I think. I'm heading back to the village.

Hunnigan: Hurry, Leon. She may be in danger.

Leon: Yeah, that and I really want to do her in the ass...

Hunnigan: ...

Leon: ...

BEOOOP

(Leon enters the house. As he passes through a door, Mendez appears behind him. He grabs Leon and holds him in the air)

Mendez: You carry the same shit as us. But I don't have time to deal with the likes of you. After all, I am the big cheese. If you become a nuisance, you will face severe consequences... (throws Leon)

Leon: You bitch! (follows Mendez into the previous room and gets ambushed again. This time, Ada fires her gun through the window. Mendez gives chase)

Leon: Damn, my head hurts! But that woman in red... so familiar... and hot... I'd do her in the ass.

Next: Chapter 1-3


	3. Chapter 1 dash 3

Resident Parody 4

By BahamutZERO

Chapter 1-3

(radio scene)

Hunnigan: Leon, are you okay?

Leon: Yeah. That cheese said something about me having the same shit.

Hunnigan: Maybe that's got something to do with what's going on around here.

Leon: No, shit, lady. What, you think I'm stupid or something?

Hunnigan: ...

Leon: ...

BEOOOP

(Leon arrives at the church. Cue radio scene)

Hunnigan: Leon, have you found the church?

Leon: Yeah, it's locked. I'm packing a shotgun and pistol but there's no way to get inside.

Hunnigan: Didn't they teach how to pick locks at the academy?

Leon: No, as a matter fact they didn't. Dammit.

Hunnigan: Oh... well, you'll need to find something to unlock that door.

Leon: Yeah, it'll probably be some weird misshapen object rather than a plain old key.

(Leon arrives at the lake)

Leon: Shit! (they drop the cop in the water) It's that cop that wanted to sing at the bonfire. What a faggot. I WOULDN'T do him in the ass... (a giant stick of celery flies out of the water and eats the cop) But anyway, I'm going to cross the lake despite the fact that I KNOW I'll get attack by that huge monster.

(Leon drives the boat out into the lake)

Leon: So good, so far... Oh, shit!

(the celery stick appears in the water)

Leon: Damn! My firearms do no good here for some reason! (looks around) Ah-ha! Eat this, you freak! (hurls toothpicks)

(the celery dies from toothpick wounding. Leon arrives at the other end of the lake)

Leon: Glad to be out of- Oooooggghhh! My stomach! (staggers into a house) Damn... feeling woozy... can't stand up... feeling more woozy... falling over... (whack his head on the floor) OW, DAMMIT! Ugh... woozy... woozy...

Next: Chapter 2-1


	4. Chapter 2 dash 1

Resident Parody 4

By BahamutZERO

Chapter 2-1

(Leon wakes up from his dream. Cue radio)

Hunnigan: Leon, are you okay? It's been at least 6 hours since our last transmission.

Leon: I'm okay. I must have lost consciousness. I'm going to continue my mission.

Hunnigan: Okay...

Leon: ...

Hunnigan: Uh...

Leon: What?

Hunnigan: Hmm... how did you lose consciousness?

Leon: ...what?

Hunnigan: I said how did you lose consciousness?

Leon: Hunnigan... don't get worked up over the details.

Hunnigan: ...

Leon: ...

BEOOOP

(Leon makes his way through the waterfall cave and finds the round insignia. Radio)

Leon: Hunnigan, I found something. I'm going to take this back to the church and use it to open the door because a key is just too damn boring.

Hunnigan: What are you talking about, Leon?

Leon: Oh, come on! Every time I have to open a door, it's with some weird misshapen object that makes absolutely no sense. I mean, I actually had to find keys in RE2, and now I'm looking for insignias and hexagonal pieces of metal. It's total BULLSHIT!

Hunnigan: Yeah... uh... just hurry to the church and rescue Ashley... I mean, the subject.

Leon: Of course. I can't wait to do her in the ass.

Hunnigan: ...

Leon: ...

BEOOOP

(Leon is walking through a small camp when two huge doors open)

Leon: Eh?

(Several Ganados drag a huge slab of steak through the doors)

Leon: If that weren't an enemy, I would eat it! Or do it in the ass...

(the steak attacks wildly)

Leon: Damn! I can't get far enough away for a shot!

(the wolf appears)

Leon: Hey, it's that dog!

(the wolf runs to the steak, cocks its leg, and lets loose with a stream of acid urine. The steak disintegrates)

Leon: Damn! Remind me to give that dog a biscuit, or I'll get pissed on. Or something...

(Leon finds the church and enters. He opens the upper door and finds Ashley)

Leon: There you are!

Ashley: Don't come any closer! (throws piece of wood)

L + R DODGE

Leon: Hey, I'm trying to rescue you! Damn, you're hotter than in the photo!

Ashley: What?

Leon: Nothing, nothing. I'm here under the president's order to rescue you.

Ashley: My father?

Leon: No shit, Sherlock... Mm... I'd love to do you in the ass. You're 18, right?

Ashley: You sicko! Just get me out of here!

Leon: ...fine.

(they go downstairs)

Saddler: I'll take the girl.

Leon: Who are you?

Saddler: My name Osmund Saddler. Leader of this fine religious community.

Leon: What do you want?

Saddler: The girl, that's all.

Leon: No, she's mine! Her ass is MINE!

Saddler: I was not talking about her buttocks. I was just trying to tell you that we gave her a small gift.

Ashley: Leon, I think they shot something in my neck.

Leon: What did you do to her?

Saddler: We just gave her a small gift. Oh, there's going to be one hell of a party when she returns to her loving father. But first, I thought I might bargain with the president.

Leon: Faith and money will lead you nowhere, Saddler!

Ashley: God, that's cheesy...

Leon: God, you're hot...

Ashley: SHUT IT.

Saddler: I thought I might tell you that we also gave you a bit of our power. When the eggs hatch, you'll be completely under my control... Ooohhh, that makes me so horny...

Leon: Sounds like... uh... sound like a... hmm... Sounds like an alien invasion to me!

Saddler: Yeah, I know.

(bowgun bastards appear and shoot at Leon and Ashley. They dive out a window)

Ashley: Leon, what are we going to do?

Leon: You're hot. Don't worry, we got into this mess and we'll get out of it.

Next up: Chapter 2-2


	5. Chapter 2 dash 2

Resident Parody 4

By BahamutZERO

Chapter 2-2

(Leon and Ashley succeed in escaping from the village. Cue radio as they cross the bridge)

Hunnigan: Hey, Leon?

Leon: Yeah?

Hunnigan: I have some bad news.

Leon: What?

Hunnigan: That chopper we sent to pick you up... it got shot down.

Leon: How in the high holy fuck can these villagers armed with pitchforks and axes shoot down an armored helicopter?

Hunnigan: I have no idea, but we're prepping another chopper. For now, I want you to head to the extraction point.

Leon: Heh... "extraction."

Hunnigan???

Leon: ...

BEOOOP

Ashley: Leon, look!

(shit loads of villagers appear)

Leon: I hate to say it, but you're going to be sandwiched... I mean, we're sandwiched! Into that house!

(they run inside)

Luis: Leon! (throws a wooden plank and smacks Leon in the face) ...oops.

Leon: Damn, that hurt like hell.

Luis: Small world, eh? (looks at Ashley) Well, it looks like the president has equipped his daughter with ballistics, too.

Ashley: How rude! And I don't there's any relevance between my figure and my standing! Who're you?

Luis: Well, excuse me, your highness. But perhaps the lady might want to introduce herself first before asking someone his name?

Ashley: The name's Ashley Graham, the president's daughter.

Luis: Is she, uh...? Well, you know.

Leon: Yeah she is. That would make doing her in the ass all the more worthwhile.

Luis: What are you talking about?

Leon: You asked me if she was a virgin.

Ashley: ...

Luis: No, I asked you if she was one of them.

Leon: Oh, that... don't worry, she's cool.

Luis: I guess. But seriously, she's a virgin, too? I might have to do her in the ass as well!

Leon: Yeah, I was talking about a sandwich earlier, and...

Ashley: I'm still here, guys.

Leon & Luis: What?

Ashley: I can hear you.

Leon: ...

Luis: ...

Leon: ...take cover upstairs.

Luis: Alright, Leon, it's game time.

(the villagers enter and a fight breaks out)

Luis: Leon, use this! (tosses a hand grenades)

Leon: Luis... why didn't you just throw it at them instead?

Luis: What, throw a grenade in here? That's fuckin' loco, man!

(more fighting)

Luis: Leon, use this! (throws a box of handgun bullets)

Leon: Thanks! ... Goddammit, Luis, it's empty!

Luis: I know, you can still use it!

Leon: Luis... just... no.

(they go upstairs)

Luis: Leon, use this! (tosses Leon's knife)

Leon: Luis... is this my knife?

Luis: ...no.

Leon: Yes it is. What were you doing with my knife?

Luis: ...I don't know.

(the villagers give up and leave)

Leon: Thanks for the help.

Luis: No problem. You guys go on ahead, I've got some stuff to do.

Leon: I'll call you when I get that sandwich thing organized.

Next: Chapter 2-3


	6. Chapter 2 dash 3

Resident Parody 4

Chapter 2-3

By BahamutZERO

Ashley: I still think we should've taken the right path, Leon.

Leon: I'm the leader, so I get to decide. Besides, I hate those damn giants. Every time they pick you up, I have to fuckin' shoot them to make them put you down! It's annoying! At least by taking the left path, you can hide in one of those dumpsters the whole time, and then I get to the door and realize I left you in the dumpster so I whistle and it takes you a billion years to get over to where I am, and then I wonder what the hell is taking you so long and it turns out you're standing at the top of a ledge somewhere because you lack the ability to climb down a stupid ladder, so I have to go back and catch you, and then we have to run all the way back to the door again.

Ashley: ...

Leon: ...Chainsaw bitches: hide.

(Leon blows them all away and proceeds to the door)

Leon: SHIT! I forgot Ashley. (whistles)...Hmmm... Oh, yeah, that's right. (goes to a platform where Ashley is standing)

Ashley: Help, Leon!

Leon: Just climb down the ladder!

Ashley: I can't!

Leon: Why not?

Ashley: I really don't know, just press A to CATCH me!

Leon: Bitch... but still hot.

(they proceed onwards to the warehouse)

Leon: Hide, hotness. I'll go deal with the big cheese.

(Leon enters the warehouse. A giant cheese wedge appears behind him and smacks him)

Leon: Ow, son of a bitch! (spots the explosive barrel) Ha! Ghasvta lugio!

Mendez: ...Hasta luego?

Leon: Yeah, whatever! (shoots)

K-BOOM!

Ashley: Leon! Are you alright?

Leon: Yeah, fine. Want a grilled cheese sandwich? It's yummy!

Ashley: Ick! Can we go now?

Leon: Whatever... (dives out of the warehouse) You're hot. Let's go.

(they proceed to the castle)

Ashley: Look out, there's a truck coming!

Leon: No problem. (snipes the driver and truck falls over)

Leon: ...Um...

Ashley: What?

Leon: Just follow me. Walk up the slope backwards and don't take your eyes off the truck.

Ashley: Huh?

Leon: Just do it, hot stuff!

(they walk up the slope backwards. Ashley blinks and 10 millions Ganados appear)

Leon: Dammit, Ashley!

Ashley: Well, maybe if you had explained!

(they run into the castle)

Next up: Chapter 3-1


	7. Chapter 3 dash 1

Resident Parody 4

By BahamutZERO

Chapter 3-1

(Leon and Ashley have entered the castle. Cue radio)

Hunnigan: Leon, where are you?

Leon: We've taken shelter in a castle. They must not get many visitors because they're giving me one hell of a welcome.

Hunnigan: Hmm... Well, I've got an idea-

Leon: Send me a naked photo?

Hunnigan: Wha...?

Leon: Photo, you, nude, send, me.

Hunnigan: Stop being such a pervert! Even if I did have a naked photo of myself, how am I supposed to send it to you over the radio?

Leon: ...you sent me a playing manual over the radio.

Hunnigan: ...

Leon: ...

BEOOP

(Leon and Ashley start running around the castle until they come to an open spot)

Luis: Leon!

Leon: Luis!

Luis: I've got something for you guys!...oh, shit, I must have dropped it when I was rubbing one off... I mean, when I was running from them.

Leon: Dropped what?

Luis: A drug that will stop your convulsions. You've both been coughing up blood, right?

Leon: Yeah.

Luis: And you?

Ashley: Yes.

Luis: In two places, right?

Ashley: What are you talking about?

Luis: You know what I mean... during that time of the month...

Ashley: Are you talking about menstruation, asshole?

Luis: THAT'S THE ONE! AH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Leon: Good one, Luis!

Ashley: ...

Luis: Anyway, the eggs have hatched... especially YOUR egg! WAH-HAHAHHAAHAH!

(Leon and Luis hit the floor laughing)

Ashley: GROW UP, YOU IDIOTS!

Leon: ...

Luis: ...Okay, I'll go back and get it.

Leon: Wait, Ashley, you stay with me.

Ashley: ...I didn't say anything.

Leon: Good... I mean... Ergh... you're hot.

(Leon and Ashley run around some more until they find Salazar)

Salazar: Hee hee hee! Welcome Mr. Scott. I am Ramon Salazar, eigth castellan of this fine architecture. I see that you are becoming one of our fellow brothers. Why don't you simply give up and become our hostage?

Leon: No thanks, bro... God, cheesy as hell.

Ashley: No kidding.

Salazar: Or you can just die, because you're not worth a penny, I'm afraid.

Leon: Peseta.

Salazar: Euro, actually. This game is supposed to take place in 2004, and by that time, the euro was accepted as the currency for all of Europe.

Leon: ...Oh.

Salazar: Yeah...

Ashley: Hmm...

Leon: Uhhh...

Salazar: I...

Leon: Hot...

Ashley: Me?

Leon: Of course, you.

Salazar: I'm leaving...

Leon: Bye.

Ashley: I'm never turning into one of them, never!

Leon: You got that right. We'll find a cure. And then I'll-

Ashley: Do me in the ass, I know.

(Leon and Ashley arrive at a big room with a big corridor)

Ashley: (coughing) Ugh...

Leon: Are you alright?

Ashley: I'm fine, leave me alone!

Leon: WAIT!

(a trap spring and Ashley is captured)

Leon: DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! Just hold on, Ashley, I'm coming for you!...Heh... come...

Next: Chapter 3-2


	8. Chapter 3 dash 2

Resident Parody 4

By BahamutZERO

Chapter 3-2

(cue radio)

Leon: Hey, Hunnigan, what happened? The transmission got cut off.

Salazar: Hee hee hee!

Leon: Salazar! How'd you-?

Salazar: We've jacked off the line. We didn't want you telling everyone any unnecessary information.

Leon: Where's Ashley?

Salazar: Ah, so she fell into one of our traps. We'll make sure to find her.

Leon: NO! Her ass is MINE!

Salazar: Too bad.

Leon: DAMMIT!

Salazar: Oh, by the way, I let some of our disgusting bugs out in the sewers for some exercise.

Leon: Good, that should keep me company. Because boredom kills me.

Salazar: What?

Leon: It was a joke. I'm saying your bugs are no match for me.

Salazar: Oh...

Leon: ...

Salazar: ...

BEOOP

(Leon blasts the bugs and gets out of the sewers. He meets Salazar in another random room)

Salazar: Well, I see that you are still alive.

Leon: Yeah, so get off my back, old man.

Salazar: Old man? This may come as a surprise, but I'm only 20 years old.

Leon: I figured as much. Old men shouldn't be allowed to bang fresh 20 year old ass like Ashley's.

Salazar: Agreed. But as I said, I'm only 20.

Leon: So you're like all the rest? A puppet of the parasites?

Salazar: Oh, please. I'm nothing like those dimunitive Ganados. I am the master and I have absolute control.

Leon: It doesn't matter either way. Rain or shine, you're going down.

Salazar: Cheesy...

Leon: I know.

(Leon ruins everyone's shit and gets to the gardens. Cue radio)

Salazar: So, how do you like my garden? Sagoscee... sacagooe...

Leon: Sagacious?

Salazar: Yes, that's the word. Sagacious as I am, even I get lost sometimes.

Leon: Yeah, well, your gardener must have been high because all the hedges are gone.

Salazar: What?

Leon: Yeah, I can see everything.

Salazar: Damn! Well, I'm off to get rid of a couple of rats.

Leon: Two rats? There's another intruder besides me? Is that what dumb fuck Salazar thinks?

Salazar: I'm still here.

Leon: What?

Salazar: I can hear you, Leon.

Leon: ...

Salazar: ...

BEOOP

(Leon enters the bedroom and Ada sneaks up behind him)

Ada: Put your hands where I can see them.

Leon: Sorry, but following a lady's lead just isn't my style.

Ada: Put them up, now.

(Leon spins around and grabs Ada's arm. Ada flips forward, smashing Leon's testicles with a high-heeled shoe)

Leon: ARGH!

Ada: Bit of advice: try wearing a cup next time. Works better for close encounters.

Leon: Ugh... that's MY line...

Ada: (gasps) Leon?

Leon: Ada... damn, you fine! I'd like to do you in the ass.

Ada: ...?

Leon: So... it is true.

Ada: True? About what?

Leon: You. Working for Wesker.

Ada: I see you've been doing your homework.

Leon: Yeah, and the teacher gave me a gold star.

Ada: ...? Okay...

Leon: ...

Ada: ...

Leon: Wanna make out? There's a bed over there.

Ada: (checks watch) Well... I suppose we can have a quickie.

(they make out immediately. Leon removes his pants and pokes Ada in the eye with his wang)

Ada: What the-? LEON!

Leon: Go with it, just go with it.

Ada: What do you mean "just go with it?" I'm outta here! (leaves)

Leon: Dammit! Again!

Merchant: (eyeing Leon's package) Hey, stranger! What you need THAT for? Goin' huntin' an elephant?

Leon: Perv. (pulls up pants and resumes mission)

Next up: Chapter 3-3.


	9. Chapter 3 dash 3

Resident Parody 4

By BahamutZERO

Chapter 3-3 (really short)

(Leon finds the room Ashley is trapped in)

Luis: Leon! I got it! (stabbed) OW DAMMIT!

Leon: Luis!

(Luis flies up in the air and drops the sample. Saddler catches it)

Luis: Shit! Argh! Shit, again!

(Luis hits the floor and Saddler's tentacle retracts)

Leon: EWWW! Was that tentacle sticking out of your ass?

Saddler: ...uh...

Leon: It was!

Luis: ...help...

Saddler: Now that I have the sample, you serve me no purpose. (leaves)

Leon: Yeah, that's right, LEAVE, ass-tentacle thing!

Luis: ...I'm in so much pain...

Leon: Can you believe that? That ugly slimy thing poking out of his ASS?

Luis: ...

Leon: Sorry, are you okay?

Luis: ...you can't be serious. Anyway, I am a researcher. Saddler found out what I was up to. Here, take this.

Leon: What is it?

Luis: A drug that will make you high enough to resist the parasite... Saddler has the sample... you... have to... get it back...

Leon: Luis? (Metal Gear game over sound: dah duh dah duh duh... DUN DUN DUN) LUIS!

Next: Chapter 3-4


	10. Chapter 3 dash 4

Resident Parody 4

By BahamutZERO

Chapter 3-4

Ashley: Dammit, Leon! Can't you hit anything?

Leon: Sorry! You're so hot that I just can't risk shooting you on accident.

(an outline of bullet holes surrounds Ashley's body)

Ashley: Hurry up, or you won't get any ass!

Leon: NOOO! (tosses grenade)

K-BOOM

Ashley: I'm outta here! (leaves)

(Ashley is walking around in some random corridors and meets a zealot)

Ashley: Stay back! (runs as clothing falls off)

Zealot: Le haría en el asno! (I'd do you in the ass!)

(Ashley makes it past the zealots and giant suits of armor and manages to return to Leon)

Ashley: Leon!

Leon: Ashley, you're not wearing anything! YES!

Ashley: There's no time for that, we have to move on!

Leon: Right, but first...

Ashley: What?

Leon: Hand them over.

Ashley: Hand what over? (7600 pesetas fall out of her pockets)

Leon: Ashley...

Ashley: What, I needed some pocket change! Leave me alone!

Next: Chapter 4-1


	11. Chapter 4 dash 1

Resident Parody 4

By BahamutZERO

Chapter 4-1

(radio)

Salazar: Oh, what an emotional moment we have here. Too bad you'll never get to do her in the ass.

Leon: We'll see. I'll kick yours and do hers.

Salazar: You're just an extra in my script, so don't get carried away.

Leon: I don't remember being a part of your crappy script. Oh, snap!

Salazar: Then why don't you show me what a first class script is like... through your own actions.

Leon: What the hell does that even mean?

Salazar: ...

Leon: ...

BEOOP

(Leon and Ashley run around they reach the nest. Suddenly, giant bugs fly out and grab Ashley)

Ashley: LEON, HELP!

Leon: You asshole-bitch-whore-cunt-sluts! (shoots the bugs)

(Leon makes outside. Cue radio)

Salazar: I wonder if you can see me, Mr. Kennedy.

Leon: If you even touch her, I'll break your bones. Oh yeah...

Salazar: Don't worry about Ashley; her ass is nice and safe with me. The ass-pounding ritual here will make me a happy man.

Leon: DAMMIT!

BEOOP

(Leon reaches Salazar's throne room)

Salazar: Don't you know when to throw in the towel, Mr. Kennedy? (throws switch and Leon falls)

Ashley: NO!

(Leon uses the grappling hook)

Salazar: Where is the satisfying sound of one's impalement?

Leon: Not falling for this old trick! (farts)

Salazar: Ack! Enough games! Kill him! KILL!

(radio)

Salazar: So maybe you have 9 lives after all. But it doesn't matter now Mr. Kennedy! I've sent my right hand to dispose of you.

Leon: Your right hand comes off?

Salazar: Why didn't I see that coming?

Leon: Well, I was asking because that red-cloaked figure you sent after me appears on your LEFT in every cut scene.

Salazar: ...

Leon: ...

BEOOP

Next: Chapter 4-2 and 4-3


End file.
